I think Greece will be leaving the Euro of their own accord at this rate. In Sunday’s elections a friendly sounding party flying under a swastika type banner (above) called ‘Golden Dawn’ managed to win twenty seats in the Greek Parliament.

They don’t seem to be hiding their intentions with that logo and copies of “Mein Kampf,” on display in their Athens headquarters.

After the elections, Nikolaos Michaloliakos (yes, really), held a press conference before which party officials asked the journalists that were gathered to stand up as an ovation to their leader. When a journalist refused to stand, they forced her outside of the room! See that video here.

Having looked at the video, I don’t think there is too much to worry from these clowns, they look like every other Mickey Mouse right wing extremist party from every country since 1933. i.e they are sporting the uniform ‘no hair, no neck’ look.

However, it seems that as the pressure increases on Europe and as austerity measures continue to enable bankrupt countries to secure funding , we are going to see a big increase in votes to crank parties like this one. This financial crisis is staring to take a dark turn in Europe. It doesn’t look so very different from the set of conditions that allowed the Third Reich to gain power through democratic elections by a disgruntled, angry, broken nation.

Maybe it’s time to let the Greeks and anyone else who wants to leave the Euro before someone comes up with a Right wing party of skinny guys with hair. Then we really would be in trouble.

As it’s getting nearer to the London games I was wondering how it’s going to affect my cycle to work. I know it’s going to have a massive effect on Serviceteam as we need to get to all parts of London, at all hours, hundreds of times a week.

But how will affect my cycle to wotk with the VIP lanes that are being created to ferry the fat cats from their West End hotels to the East End venue?

Well, it seems that I need not worry on that score because it seems that for the most part, cyclists will be allowed to ride in them. This is taken directly from the City of London website:

Q: Can cyclists use the Games Lanes?
A: The ORN/PRN design allows cyclists to enter the majority of Games Lanes where they are on the nearside, as this is seen as the normal cycling position on the road. Cyclists will not be allowed to enter the offside Games Lanes for safety reasons or to make other movements that would be deemed unsafe.

That said, I shall carry a copy of it for some yellow coated jobsworth who will inevitably stop me at some point…

This is a crazy story in any case. A woman is being accused of taking her little girl into a tanning salon to get a tan. Whether it’s true or not, we’ll leave to the judge to discern – but it doesn’t look good. Just look at this woman’s face! Even a six year old girl can see that this is not a look you want to be wearing into school. From the picture I thought the story would be a politically incorrect piece about ‘blacking up’!

She needs tackling this woman. And that is why I suspect that whatever the tanning salon manager says, she probably put that little girl under the sunbed. Because, a) she is not practising good judgement with a face like that and b) the salon manager isn’t practising good judgement by letting her into his salon….

 

I was talking to my Australian colleague Harrison the other day. He was moaning (as usual – he’s Australian) about how the food in London is rubbish, how there are no good restaurants and how everything is better in Australia (as I said, he is Australian).

Anyway, maybe he has a point because it seems London has slipped down the rankings for the World’s top restaurants this year with just 3 in the top 50 – the lowest amount in a decade.  However, that’s 3 more than Australia have in the list….

So, here is the full list of the World’s Top 50 restaurants. Further information on them can be found here by the people who compiled the list – obviously they have never heard of the Pie Face in Sydney….

1.    Noma,  Copenhagen, Denmark  – no change
2.    El Celler de Can Roca, Girona – Spain -  no change
3.    Mugaritz, San Sebastian – Spain – no change
4.    D.O.M – Soa Paolo, Brazil – up three spots
5.    Osteria Francescana, Modena, Italy -  down one spot
6.    Per Se, New York, USA – up four spots
7.    Alinea, Chicago, USA – down one spot
8.    Arzak, San Sebastian , Spain – no change
9.    Dinner by Heston Blumenthal, London, England – new entry
10.    Eleven Madison Park, New York, USA – up 14 spots
11.    Steirereck, Vienna, Austria – up 11 spots
12.    L’Atelier Saint-Germain de Joel Robuchon, Paris, France – up 11 spots
13.    The Fat Duck, Bray, England – down eight spots
14.    The Ledbury, London, England – up 20 spots
15.    Le Chateaubriand, Paris, France – down six spots
16.    L’Arpege, Paris, France – up three spots
17.    Pierre Gagnaire, Paris, France – down one spot
18.    L’Astrance, Paris, France – down five spots
19.    Le Bernardin, New York, USA – down one spot
20.    Frantzen/Lindeberg, Stockhold, Sweden – new entry
21.    Oud Sluis, Sluis, Netherlands – down four spots
22.    Aqua, Wolfsburg, Germany – up three spots
23.    Vendome, Bergich Gladbach, Germany  – down two spots
24.    Mirazur, Menton, France – re-entry from 2009, was at 35
25.    Daniel, New York, USA – down 14 spots
26.    Iggy’s, Singapore – up one spot
27.    Narisawa, Tokya, Japan – down 15 spots
28.    Nihonryori RyuGin, Tokyo Japan, down eight spots
29.    Quay, Sydney, Australia – down three spots
30.    Schloss Schauenstein, Furstenau, Switzerland – down two spots
31.    Asador Etxebarri, Atxondo, Spain – up 19 spots
32.    Le Calandre, Rubano, Italy – no change
33.    De Librige, Zwolle, Netherlands – up 13 spots
34.    Faviken, Jarpen, Sweden – new entry
35.    Astrid y Gaston, Lima Peru – up seven spots
36.    Pujol, Mexico City, Mexico – up 13 spots
37.    Momofuku Ssam Bar, New York, USA – up three spots
38.    Biko, Mexico City, Mexico – down seven spots
39.    Waku Ghin, Singapore – new entry
40.    Quique Dacosta, Denia, Spain – new entry
41.    Mathias Dahlgren, Stockholm, Sweden – re-entry from 2009, was at 50
42.    Hof van Cleve, Kruishoutem, Belgium – down 27 spots
43.    The French Laundry, Yountville, USA – re-entry 2010, was at 32
44.    Amber, Hong Kong, China – down seven spots
45.    Vila Joya, Albuferia, Portugal – new entry
46.    Il Canto, Siena, Italy – down seven spots
47.    Bras, Languiole, France – down 17 spots
48.    Manresa, Los Gatos, USA – re-entry 2006, was at 38
49.    Geranium, Copenhagen, Denmark – new entry
50.    Nahm, Bangkok, Thailand – new entry

I came into Euston this morning and decided that I would have a cooked breakfast to celebrate being back in London. There isn’t a massive choice for breakfasts in Euston and so I decided to see what Ed’s diner had to offer. I’ve been in before for a burger, which I remember OK/Quite Good.

The restaurant itself is fantastic and that’s why I remember it. It’s themed as an authentic ’50s American diner and it looks great.

I selected the ‘get out of bed’ breakfast. Sausage, bacon, fried tomato, mushrooms, fried egg and a hash brown. No toast or coffee was included, so I ordered some extra chips and a coke.

Well, as you can see from the picture – there wasn’t a lot of it. First off, the toast was an noticeable absentee from the breakfast. The bacon was horribly over cooked and salty – it ‘crunched’ instead of ‘chewed’. The sausage was very poor, very processed like something you would get in a very cheap roadside cafe. The tomato was very nicely cooked. however. The egg was small, overcooked and flavourless and the mushrooms were just OK. The hash brown was OK too, it was the frozen variety and not the nice fresh hash you get at diners in the States. The chips were good and the Coke came in a nice glass bottle.

It all came to £11.30 and that didn’t include service. By no means a cheap breakfast – even for Euston.

Overall I am going to have to give Ed’s diner 2 out of 5 for it’s cooked breakfast. And really that’s quite generous. 1 start is for the decor and 1 star for the staff who were friendly. No-one is getting out of bed for that ‘get out of bed’ breakfast so if you do go to Ed’s stick to the burgers.

Here is some good news to cheer everyone up about British manufacturing, engineering and innovation. UK engineers have begun some critical tests on a new engine technology designed to lift a spaceplane into orbit. The proposal is called Skylon, the engine is called Sabre and it’s a vehicle that would operate like an airliner, taking off and landing at a conventional runway. Read more about it here.

And it’s a British invention. It may even get some British funding for a change!

The British company behind it all is called Reaction Engines Limited (REL). Skylon is un-manned spaceplane with a design that will use a combined-cycle, air-breathing rocket engine to reach orbit in a single stage. They are hoping to build a fleet of space planes designed to be re-used up to 200 times.

This is a nice statement that will surely drum up some investment . “We intend to go to the Farnborough International Air Show in July with a clear message,” explained REL managing director Alan Bond.

“The message is that Britain has the next step beyond the jet engine; that we can reduce the world to four hours – the maximum time it would take to go anywhere. And that it also gives us aircraft that can go into space, replacing all the expendable rockets we use today.”

Sounds great, where’s my cheque book? I’m sure they need my £100. I just hope it doesn’t go the way of the last British spaceplane project HOTOL….

Or are we just better at reporting it? I was watching this footage today from the RSPCA that shows footage of cruelty to animals. Now, I wouldn’t describe myself as an animal lover – can anyone who eats meat? But this is just outrageous.

I can’t understand the cruelty of people in this country. Are we becoming more detached from other people’s (and in this case animal’s) feelings and perspective? Or has it always been this way? Maybe now there are so many more ways to get this sort of footage out and more ways to capture it with smart phones and mobile devices so ubiquitous.

I’m really not sure. But whatever the answer, it just goes to show there are some very cruel and dangerous people out there.

There may be trouble ahead. Argentinian President Cristina Fernandez has forced the nationalisation of oil firm YPF – mostly owned by Spain’s Repsol. The Argentinian Government now owns 51% of YPF, wiping out Repsol’s 57.4% majority stake.

And the Spanish have threatened some retaliation. It’s not often Spain and the UK become allies! Assuming the trade war between two broke nations doesn’t bring the Argentinians to their knees, we could add our four warships to the two in the Spanish fleet and re-invent the Spanish Armada! This time heading to South America instead of England.

A Chinese news report suggested China’s state-owned oil giant Sinopec had wanted to buy YPF for $15Billion, but of course this no longer likely if the state is going to seize your assets at will. I don’t suppose anyone else will want to invest much money into Argentina after this fiasco either.

Having said that I don’t think Argentina would be brave enough to take on the Chinese. Taking on Spain is a radically different proposition to taking a swipe at China.

Whatever would have happened it’s a shame for the Argentinian people. I’ve been there twice and I really like them. They need to get rid of that crack-pot Fernandez before she takes away their right to vote…

Another crazy strike from the RMT. A 72 hour strike that starts at 4pm on the 24th May and lasts until 4pm on the 27th May.

So once again London is held to ransom by Bob Crow. Boris needs to ‘man up’ as the Americans say and take him on after the Olympics.

And if Boris ever wants to get further than London Mayor he needs to stand for something. What better than breaking the RMT?

It’s an easy PR campaign to make the RMT members the villains – you won’t have to hire Max Clifford to make these people look like underworked, overpaid, blackmailing, spongers.

Then fly in a load of underground operators from Hong Kong to press the ‘close doors’ button on the Victoria Line, Central Line, Jubilee Line and install some new software to automate the others.

A few weeks of alternative transport – which is what we put up with anyway and the RMT members can take non unionised jobs pushing the trolleys around Sainsbury’s carparks.

Job done and you’re now a hero, Boris.

It’s not often I end up reading the Daily Mail or the Völkischer Beobachter as it’s also known but this made me laugh – a lot!

Have a look at these… and they come from this website, Pale is the new tan. Worth a look I think.

There are a lot of pictures of fake tans and nasty sunburns here but I think the funniest has to be the 2 people I’ve put on the picture above. Absolutely hilarious – I wish they were at my party!

Not only is this guy a genius he’s got some cojones on him. He’s just become the first person to solo dive to the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana trench. It’s 6.8 miles down – about the same distance down as a commercial jet flies above the ground. And no-one else has been down there since 1957 when the Trieste landed on the bottom with US Navy Lt Don Walsh and the very famous Jacques Piccard (more than likely who they based the Star Trek Captain on).

Anyway, the submarine itself is made from steel able to withstand the 1,000 atmospheres of pressure exerted on the hull at the bottom of the ocean.

The rest of the vertical column is made from a material called syntactic foam – a solid made mostly of hollow “microballoons” – giving it enough buoyancy to float back up.

Lights and cameras (3D cameras I believe) have been attached to the outside of the submarine and a documentary is going to be made about the historic journey. I, for one, will be going to watch this at the IMAX just as soon as Mr Cameron has put it together.

Some great pictures of James Cameron’s dive can be found on the BBC website.

Well nearly….

1. There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn’t get burnt.


2. Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says: ‘Is that Dublin 22 33 22?’ Paddy says,:’No it’s Dublin 223 322!’ The caller apologises for waking him in the middle of the night, Paddy says: ‘Oh it’s all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!’


3. A man walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”


4. A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got any Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But ‘I’ve got a photograph of the wife.”


5. A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: “Sorry, you?ve only got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”


6. I rang British Telecom. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” The voice on the other end said: “Not you again.”


7. A man says to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says: “We should have told you yesterday.”


8. My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.


9. My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”


10. A man’s hurt in an accident with a vacuum cleaner. I phoned hospital to see how he was. Nurse said: “He’s picking up.”


11. My wife went into the butchers and said: “You’ve a sheep’s head in your window.” The butcher said: “That’s a mirror.”


12. An Irishman’s wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.


13. Dear Son, I hope you are having fun in Australia. I am sending you three socks as your telegram said you’ve grown another foot.


14. There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches.


15. I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.


16. Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: “Have a drink on me.” The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.


17. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?”


18. A man says to his mate: “My wife is a twin.” His mate says, “How do you tell them apart?” The man says: “Her brother has a beard.”


19. A man walks into B&Q. He says: “I want some nails.” The shop worker says: “How long do you want them?” The man says: “I want to keep them.


20. I once did 20 pantomimes in a row. Someone asked, “Is that a record?” I said: “No, it’s me speaking.


21. A man turns to the guy next to him who’s covered in bandages from head to toe and asks “What happened?”. “I fell through a glass window,” explains the man. The first man says: “Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.”


22. A man walks into Glasgow baker and asks: “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?” Baker: “No, you’re right, it’s a doughnut.”


23. Men only go for skinny women because they’re too weak to argue – and salads are cheap.


24. A girl asks her doctor, “Doctor, I’ve forgotten to take my contradictory pill!” The doctor says: “Are you ignorant?” The girl says: “Yes, three months!”


25. I said to the waitress, “There’s a fly swimming in my soup.” She said: “You’ve got too much soup – he should only be able to paddle.”


26. My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans’ line of communication. He ate their pigeon.


27. What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.


28. I went to an old people’s home. I asked an old lady with a Zimmer frame. “Do you know who I am?” She replied, “Ask the Matron, she’ll tell you.”


29. What’s the difference between a terrorist and your wife? You can negotiate with a terrorist.


30. Woman: “I can’t go out with you Frank, I’m a lesbian.” Frank: “Oh really? What part of Lesbia are you from?


31. My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.


32. A man saw me with my Thermos flask and asked me what it was for. “It keeps food hot but it can also keep food cold,” I said. The next day I saw him with one and asked what was in it. “Soup and ice cream,” he said.


33. Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?


34. When the Pope asked him if he had ever met Elvis Presley, Carson replied: “No I have not but it won’t be long now.”


35. Remember that boat the Marie Celeste when everyone disappeared? They found out why, Cannon and Ball were doing the cabaret.


36. I’m staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets – took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.


37. The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?


38. I was coming out of Euston Station the other day, it was pouring down with rain and a man was sitting with a cap out for money and a sign saying ‘Falklands war victim.’ We are giving a thousand pounds a week to that man with the metal hook Hamza, remember him? There’s a guy that risked his life for his country begging, it’s disgusting so I threw £20 into his cap and he said, “Gracias, senor.” That’s a cracker!


39. I hate name droppers. I just said that to the Duke of Edinburgh this morning on the phone.


40. I was playing golf with Christy O’Connor and Sean Connery a few weeks ago. Sean hit a ball out of bounds, he said: “I’ll hit a provisional” and I said, “What, and get yourself kneecapped?” The next thing I know was Christy junior starts telling the same joke and I said “Where’d you hear that joke?” He said: “Connery is doing the rounds with it.”


41. I’m really worried about my girlfriend’s morals … she has NEXT written on her knickers.


42. What about the political situation today? All that money the Government wants, they’re taking money off us anyway for driving our cars, then they’re charging us for driving on the motorways. What about taxing bicycles, caravans, shoes? Can you imagine, shoes for sale, one owner only, only 27,000 miles on the laces.


43. A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and I said: “No dogs allowed”. He said: “You allow guide dogs.” I said: “Yes but they are either Alsatians or Labradors.” He said, “Ah s***, what have they given me?”


44. I was shot in Palestine in 1947 and I went to see Pope John Paul after being awarded the highest honour in the Roman Catholic Church, the Knighthood of St Gregory for my charity work over the last 34 years. I said to John Paul: “We’ve one thing in common, we’ve both been shot. If you see John Wayne, tell him it hurts.”


45. There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: “I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.


46. A fella said to me: “Your mother-in-law has just died, do you want her embalmed, buried or cremated?” I said: “Take no chances, give her the lot.”


47. The very first joke I told on The Comedians was: I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: “It takes four hours.” I asked why and he said: “It keeps turning off the gas.”


48. I’ve had a pacemaker fitted and every morning I come out there’s a fella that runs in front of me.


49. I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside “made around the corner.”


50. I was in a bar in Taiwan and a guy came up and asked for my autograph. I was signing a menu and a fella came up from behind the bar and asked, “Why you write on menu?” I told him he’s seen me on the television and the fella asked: “What you do golf, football, rugby?” I said no, “I’m a comedian”, he said “Oh, let me see you change colour.”


51. I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: “We are two hours late Mr Carson.” When I asked why, she said: “The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn’t like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can’t hear it.”


52. A fella won £9m in the lottery, and the guy from the lottery asked: “What is it you do for a living?” “I’m a cleaner,” the winner said. The lottery man said: “I’m sure you won’t be doing that any more.” The fella said: “No that’s me redundant for life.” The lottery man asked: “What is it your wife does?” He replied: “She’s my supervisor.” The lottery man said “I suppose she won’t be doing that any more?” He asked: “Has she won £9m as well?”


53. There’s a professor who’s crossed chickens with spiders, and he has ended up with a chicken with eight legs. I asked him: “What do they taste like?” He said: “I don’t know I haven’t been able to catch one yet.”


54. An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: “What have you brought?” He said: “I brought a pair of knickers.” They asked: “What has that got to do with Christmas?” He said “They’re Carol’s.”


55. I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: “Have you a good memory for faces?” I asked why and she said: “Because there isn’t a mirror up there.”


56. A man up in front of a judge says “I don’t recognise this court.” “Why not?” “It’s been redecorated since the last time I was here.”


57. I was at a cash dispenser the other day and a man and wife were in front of me and he punched her. I went over and said: “You villain, how dare you punch a lady, why you should only punch men.” I can’t remember anything after that.


58. I’ve been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.


59. I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn’t work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.


60. I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: “What way did you come in?”


61. At Mike Reid’s funeral, Carson said: “We have come to say farewell Mike, you have filled loads of homes with glee, actor, singer, comedian, but you were never as funny as me.”


62. I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.


63. I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.


64. It’s my wife Ruth’s birthday soon. I said to her: “What would you like for your birthday?” She said: “I want a divorce.” I said: “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”


65. A man walked into a shop and asked, “How much are your eggs?” He said “£1.40 a dozen”. He then asked: “How much are your cracked ones?” “He said: “35p”. He said: “Crack us four dozen.


66. I said to the landlady at my lodgings in Bolton: “I’d like to talk to you about the ceiling in my bedroom.” She said: “What about it?” I said, “I’d like one.” She said: “You needn’t worry too much, because the people upstairs won’t walk about, but they’ll drop in now and again.”


67. If only the Irish had invented the Venetian blind it would be curtains for all of you.


68. The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.


69. A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. “Oh dear,” she says, “Not the breathalyser again.”


70. Do you remember those two terrible winters we had? Mike and Bernie.


71. I’ll have a pint of Guinness and a pickled onion in it, an Irish cocktail.


72. Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?


73. Someone once threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins and he drank it!


74. I knew a judge called Justice Thumbs, because he had no fingers.


75. Did you know the Irish telephone number for the Samaritans is ex-directory?


76. I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.


77. I was in Glasgow about 50 years ago and I asked a fella: “Who is the most popular comedian here?” The man said Joe Madely, so I went to the Pavilion and asked a man there who he thought was the best comedian in the world, he also said Joe Madely. I asked: “Have you heard of Frank Carson?” He said, “Yes, he is awful.” He asked me if I had heard of Joe Madely and I said no. He then said “I am Joe Madely” and I told him “I am Frank Carson.”


78. My mother-in-law went to the dentist and had all her teeth out. She was in agony, and said: “Never again.”


79. On the death of fellow comic Bernard Manning: “He didn’t even spare the nurses. He was complaining that they changed his medication to iron tablets and he woke up facing north.”


80. Doctor told me I’ve got two weeks to live. I said: “Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?”


81 This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.


82. My son in Australia asked me to send him money. I told him I couldn’t as I’d already sealed the envelope.


83. A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.


84. There was an advert in the paper saying ‘Boxer dogs for sale’ and a member of my golf club rang up and asked: “How many dogs are in a box?”


85. “Private Carson I didn’t see you in camouflage class today! Thank you very much sir.”


86. And finally, he wanted written on his tombstone: “It’s quiet in here.”

UK may get 4G network in 2012 via Everything Everywhere. Well it’s about time because 3G is nothing short of pathetic if you have a smart phone. And when the rest of the modern world is already using 4G, it’s a nothing short of scandalous that between the greed of the government for licence money and the mobile network operators for profits, the UK won’t be getting it until the end of 2013/ start of 2014!

Until now. Hopefully. The spineless wonder that is Ofcom, has received an application by Everything Everywhere (T mobile and Orange – I didn’t know who they were either) to use its existing spectrum to offer the higher-speed service at the end of the year. And if they have any balls they will approve it.

And the response from Vodafone?

“We seriously doubt that consumers’ best interests will be served by giving one company a significant head start before any of its competitors have a clear path to 4G.”

The spoiled brats. What they really mean is “We seriously doubt that it’s in Vodafone’s best interests for a competitor to get a significant head start before we’ve finished stiffing the British public for another 2 years with 3G .”

Isn’t that why we have competition? Aren’t we supposed to be living in a free market democracy? Good. Well let’s have 4G just as quick as the first company can deliver it then. Because if it was left to Vodafone we’d still be talking to each other on car phones.

Well, apparently the list below are extracts written to local councils. They are very ‘carry on’, but still quite funny none the less….

1. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

I’ve always been a fan of HMV. As an avid DVD collector I was always impressed that you could walk in off the street and have a very good chance of being able to buy the DVD you were looking for instantly.

Now, as everyone knows, you can buy anything online – but that DVD isn’t going to be in your hand the very same day.

And so, I and everyone else accepts that there is a premium to be paid for shopping on the high street.

Looking to get the wife off my back, I went into HMV yesterday to look for Downton Abbey series 2 and the Christmas special. I found the Christmas special, it was £17!!!!!!!! I was clutching my chest – £17? Surely not – it’s a just a Christmas special for crying out loud. I was equally surprised when I asked the shop assistant if they had a copy of series 2 and how much that would cost. ‘No’, he said and it would be ‘£25′.

Now, I am prepared to pay a premium for shopping in a shop. But when you can buy these items at Amazon for £8.49 and £13.99 inc free shipping respectively – they’ve got the wrong price. In fact you can buy series 1 and 2 for £19.99! Don’t get me started about Project Free TV….

So, I walked out of the shop without purchasing anything. £5 lower on each and I would probably have bought them. And it made me realize just how much money I have been overspending in this shop over the years.

HMV made a loss of £45.7m in the six months to 29 October 2011. DVD sales account for 45% of their business. I am the only guy I know still buying DVDs, everyone else my age (old) is using Love Film and renting them. Anyone trendy is watching them on NetFlix and anyone young has a disk drive full of movies they swap with each other or download everything from the internet.

So, medium term DVDs are dead. And shops that sell DVDs at twice the price of Amazon are double dead. In fact, HMV online are selling series 2 only for £19.99 and the Christmas special for £12.99. Are they determined to put themselves out of business? Do they think that their brand is so good that anyone is going to spend 30% more with them for exactly the same product?

It’s unlikely I’ll be peeking into any of their stores anytime soon. And if I (a HMV discount card holder, no less) am not shopping in there, how many old people are there left to keep them afloat?

Well, I’m mean enough to wait and get a sackful of DVDs from their closing down sale – including Downton Abbey series 2. I will be surprised to see them on the high street after next Christmas. And I pity the fool who lends them money to keep them afloat that long….

Amazingly, as we all seem to be flying more often there are still several urban myths around about  commercial jet travel. We get to the bottom of whrther they are true are false here:

URBAN MYTH: The air in the aircraft cabin spreads germs and sickness – FALSE

Most people assume that once airborne, a jet airliner is an enclosed environment and that the air is constantly circulated around the aeroplane cabin. This is why it seems you get a cold or flu after youve been travelling ona plane becasue if someone has something nasty it is pumped right arounf the cabin.

However, this is completely FALSE. New air from outside the plane is actually taken into the cabin through the jet engines. The air is filtered and in tests shown to extract 99.5 per cent of germs and viruses from the air. Thus, you are breathing better air in the plane than you are on the ground!

URBAN MYTH: Flights still do not fly over the Bermuda Triangle – NOT TRUE

The Bermuda Triangle – not just a great pop song but an area of sea between Florida, Bermuda and the Bahamas. A large number of aircraft and surface vessels have disappeared under mysterious circumstances over the years. These disappearances have been attributed to paranormal activity and even abductions by extraterrestrial beings. And thus, planes and ships have been avoiding the area for decades.

Well, only the general public ever believed in this myth because aircraft never stopped flying through it. It’s a major It’s a major flight route from Florida to Bermuda and the Bahamas. Thousands of commercial jet aircraft fly through it every year.

Just for your own sanity: Documented evidence indicates that a significant percentage of the incidents that occurred in the Bermuda triangle were inaccurately reported or embellished by later authors. The number and nature of disappearances in the region is similar to that in any other area of ocean.

URBAN MYTH: The cost of fares is the same whichever day of the week you book – FALSE

The difference in cost between flights booked at the weekend and those booked on a weekday can be quite significant. the difference in price also varies according to which day you want to travel. On average, the cheapest days to book flights are Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.

The cheapest days to actually travel on are Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

URBAN MYTH: You can open the door on a commercial jet mid-flight – NOT TRUE

The media is responsible for this urban myth with stories of crazed, drug fuelled passengers being wrestled to the floor attempting to open the doors on the plane.

The reality is that even Geoff Capes couldn’t open the doors mid flight. This is because the door is designed to open inwards before it opens outwards. The air outside the plane is at a much lower pressure than it is inside. So the door is pushing out and you’re trying to pull in. The door is in fact sealed tighter the higher that the plane goes.

URBAN MYTH: Most people die in the event of a plane crash – FALSE

The  National Transportation Safety Board in the US studied commercial aircraft accidents over 20 years. The survival rate was over 95 per cent. Thus, the vast majority of people actually survive an aircraft accident.

The chances of dying on your next flight are 1 in 60 million. You could fly every day for the next 160,000 years without expecting to be involved in a fatal air accident.

URBAN MYTH: Mobile phones interfere with a plane’s navigational system – FALSE

‘Please turn off all mobile phones and electronic devices while the aircraft takes off an lands as this can interfere with the navigation equipment on the plane’. You hear this everytime you get on a plane. But is it true? Well, no it isn’t. If you think about it logically, this would make it so easy for a terrorist to bring down a jet, passengers wouldn’t even be able to bring them on the plane! Osama bin Laden and his crew could just plant an iphone in the hold and ring it mid flight.

The fact is aeroplane electronics or avionics as they are called are insulated and hardened from interference from all radio signals. They don’t even operate on the same frquencies as mobile phones. The ban is actually in place in order to increase the use of expensive in-flight ‘air phones’ and has nothing to do with safety at all.

MYTH: You are get more drunk on an aeroplane than on the ground – FALSE

‘One in the air is worth three on the ground’ – or so they say. But it isn’t really true. Your level of intoxication is dependent on your blood alcohol level and that has no bearing on at what height you imbibe.

It might be however that you feel more drunk on a plane. This maybe because you are getting less oxygen but it is most likely a placebo effect. Because people who think they are drunk can still act as foolishly as those who actually are drunk!

It’s nice when you come across a service that makes you want to tell someone else about it. I have one of those today – it’s called Metro Bank. If you read this blog, you’ll know how many problems I’ve had with HSBC – I’m sure I’m not alone.

And so this morning when my card wasn’t working – again, I thought to myself, ‘I don’t even know which of the thirty numbers on their website to call for help!’. I also know that I will have to go through security three times and be passed to several different people and it’s going to take me an hour to get a resolution.

I just couldn’t face it. So, I walked down to Metro Bank in Holborn. I cycle past it every day and it’s always looked very inviting – a little bit old fashioned with wood panelling inside but nice bright , modern, big windows – nothing to hide! Substantial and solid, like banks used to be.

I took my passport, driving licence, and a HSBC statement and walked in at lunchtime with no prior appointment.

One hour later I had a current account, an internet banking account and even a new debit card – printed with my name on the premises.

If that isn’t a fantastic service – I don’t know what is. And it gets better. They have one telephone number and when you call it someone picks up the phone and says hello – not an automated telephone system. And that person is sitting in an office in Holborn – not Mumbai.

If I lose the card, I go into a branch and they print me another one. I don’t have to wait a minimum of 5 business days to get my card – like I do 4 times a year at the HSBC.

They are moving all my direct debits across today!

And I can go into a branch any day because they are open 7 days a week – until 8pm! The staff are friendly, knowledgeable and well trained. I even got a free pen and dog biscuit. I still can’t get over it.

You must go out and join this bank immediately.

Yes, really – Sean Penn thinks… Does anyone care what Sean Penn thinks? Probably not, he’s just an actor after all. He does ‘pretending’ for a living, for crying out loud!

In a similar vane, Moody’s, the credit rating agency, is threatening to downgrade the UK’s AAA status. Why don’t the banks ignore these chumps? The ratings didn’t save them from that last debt crisis did it? RBS had a pretty good rating if I remember rightly and went down owing more money that any other company in history.

If your business is to know and you’re caught with your pants down, surely you’ve lost your credibility?

So there you go, a statement from one entity that’s lost it’s credibility and one that never had any…

I can’t remember a better line. Two bald men fighting over a comb. Actually the line is “The Falklands thing was a fight between two bald men over a comb.”

It’s from the Argentinian writer Jorge Luis Borges and it sums up quite beautifully and succinctly the conflict over the Falklands or Las Malvinas. The thing about this latest spat is that both governments are getting something out of it.

The Argentinian government gets to look strong and determined but then so does the UK government. The army, navy and air force get to whip up some national sentiment by whinging about how many boats and planes they’ve lost since 1982 and bleat on about how our global military presence has diminished. I expect something similar is going on in Argentina. A win-win situation for all parties – I expect it will go on for a few weeks yet.

The fact that Argentina haven’t got the military strength to invade the Falklands and we haven’t got the military strength to defend them means I’m not sure where the threats can escalate to.

Maybe we’ll ban Argentinian steak imports and corned beef. And Argentina will ban… erm I’m not sure we have any call centres in Buenos Aires – maybe oil from the Falklands…

So there you have it – two even balder, older, sadder, fatter men fighting over a comb.

I must be getting old. This made me laugh – a lot! There are loads more here…

Bob Crow and the tube workers he represents said a bonus of up to £500 was not an adequate reward for being on duty during the Olympics.

“RMT is rejecting this latest Olympics and Paralympics pay offer from LU and we will be meeting with the company again to press our case for a flat-rate, across-the-board payment which recognises the contribution of all staff throughout the high-pressure extended Olympics and Paralympics period and which is free from a whole barrage of strings and caveats”, said Bob.

“Other employers, notably London Overground, Network Rail and most recently DLR, have come up with serious offers and agreements and we expect London Underground to do the same.

“It is well-documented that transport will be the biggest logistical challenge throughout the Olympics period, with massive pressure on staff and services from moving millions of extra passenger journeys around Greater London and the South East.”

“All we are calling for is a fair deal for all the staff involved in delivering the colossal transport challenge that we will be facing this summer and the negotiations to achieve that are ongoing.”

I’m not going to work during the Olympics either unless I’m paid extra. I mean I want to watch them just the same as the members of the RMT. I wonder if the police, nurses, doctors and dustbin men should get a pay rise too? What about shop staff and waitresses who have to serve more people in the Olympics?

This is beyond a joke. As I’ve said before we need to break this union and replace the drivers with more intelligent solutions like computers or monkeys, whichever one works out cheaper…

It seems that the UK is back in recession. Well, we have to wait with baited breath for next quarter’s results to dip until it’s official. Most of us already know that the UK has been in recession since last year, despite what the stats say.

I was in the Cotswolds last week and in several towns a few shops were or already had closed up. And over the road from our office in London, an independent lighting shop has closed this week. So, it seems that this recession is starting to bite. Because in the last one, although the press talked of a gloomy outlook, I couldn’t see much physical evidence that we were in recession – at least not in London at any rate.

And by most accounts the Bank of England is going to inject more cash into the economy next month in an attempt to stimulate growth. Printing money again – that sounds like hitting the panic button to me. As I always suspected, no one really knows what’s going on and how to fix it.

Sir Mervyn King said yesterday that the UK faced an “arduous, long and uneven” road to recovery. And this combines with yesterday’s news that UK debt surpassed the £1trn barrier for the first time. A trillion – there’s a word that didn’t used to get much use.

So, buckle up because the ‘pain is in the post’, as my friend Stan the Man says. And another apt phrase from Groundhog Day - ‘It’s gonna be cold; it’s gonna be gray, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.’

Well maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but maybe 10 years or so….

It’s not surprising that there has been such a fuss about the new Royal yacht. Whether the taxpayer should pay or it should get sponsored or we should all have a whip round.

But here’s the thing. It’s only £60 Million. Yes, that’s what I said £60 Million. When you’re paying out £83.7 Billion every year on benefits of one kind or another, it really is chicken feed.

Because that’s £230 Million every day. And let’s not forget who we’re buying it for. It’s not a yacht for Wayne Rooney to swank around on with a few dolly birds. It’s basically a business tool for the UK.

The Queen and the rest of the Royal family will be using it to promote British interests across the globe. We can’t have them turning up in dinghy, can we? Or a red and yellow boat sponsored by McDonalds.

Yes they’ve had a few scandals but the Queen herself has been working non stop for 60 years. That £230 Million we spend a day is payment for people who in the most part don’t work at all!

So, for crying out loud, please buy the Queen a boat.

I’ve written before about the problems of having a bank account at HSBC. Several of my friends have now moved because they keep getting their cards blocked. They are always being hacked because they are just to big a target. I am now starting to develop a phobia of Indian accents. Everytime I here one it means I will be without a bank card for 2 weeks.

Today, I had another call from HSBC. I hate this call. It starts with ‘I am trying to get through’ in an Indian accent and my heart starts to race because I know it’s someone calling from an Indian call centre about some suspected fraudulent transactions. Then we have a half hour conversation which involves me trying to remember the second number of a 6 digit number that is written on a notepad in my office. Except I’m freezing to death in the middle of a UK winter walking down Farringdon High Street. But I know if I get it wrong they’ll block my card or something until they call back and I’m on my way to Argos to buy some batteries for the lights that have stopped working on my  bike. As it is already dark, and I need to cycle home this evening, this is now a life or death call!

So, luckily having now verified my identity to someone who has called me, I’m now crossing the busy road while trying to think back to whether I made a purchase for £3.97 in Mrs Miggins pie shop 3 weeks ago – and listening to someone from Bangalore pronounce Mrs Miggins and then wondering if she means Mrs Miggins pie shop for £3.97 or £33.97 or £3.90 in Devon.

Annoying enough. But when I get to one transaction and say I’m not sure about the amount but it’s fine I’ll check later and then say agian ‘no, it’s fine, it’s fine’, I assume that everything will be OK until I return to the office and logon to my account with my 3 passwords and security dongle. But guess what? Yes, I get to the Argos till to find – yes you know what’s going to happen, don’t you? My card has been declined! Declined! They have done it to me again!

I get back to the office and after hunting for 10 minutes to even find the right number to call and then pressing more digits than the width of the universe in centimetres to get through the telephone security, and selecting more options than a role playing adventure story and then a transfer because I picked the wrong one, I get through to another trusty call centre in India. To be told that they are very sorry that this has happened but they blocked the card.  Very sorry. Yes, very sorry. They blocked the card because there is a fraudulent transaction. Yes, that transaction. The ‘no, it’s fine, please don’t block my card transaction. The one I am now going to allow to go through even if  my card as been cloned.

Can there be a more incompetent, disgusting, unethical, money grabbing, evil institution than HSBC bank? I shall ponder this question as I walk down to Argos before it closes.

Tiffin’s Cafe. 24-26, Leather Lane, London, EC1N 7SU

Just popped in here this morning for a full English breakfast. They have 24 different breakfasts to choose from! And if you can’t find one that suits you from those, you can order the components seperately – Tesco style.

It’s a nice cafe on the end of Leather Lane. It has a massive selection of lunch time options too, from sandwiches to pasta and curry. As for the breakfast I would say – a high 3 out of 5 stars. I had breakfast number 8. Cumberland sausage which was good, a nice grilled tomato, bacon which was good quality, an egg that was nicely cooked, beans that were not nice (not Heinz or a good brand), toast which was good, mushrooms that were OK and skinny chips that were pretty good – and it came with coffee.

So why 3 stars? Well a high three, but a few things have affected the rating which are my pet hates and becasue I am spoiled. The beans and the condiments. No brand names, you see. I like HP sauce and it wasn’t a good brown sauce replacement, either. However, the price was excellent. £4.90 which is outstanding value for a quality breakfast.

So, my verdict is that this is a great place for a quality, cheap breakfast and I will certainly be visiting again.

 

I found myself doing some post Christmas shopping in Cirencester today. It has some good shops and it’s not often mobbed with shoppers which makes it a pleasant ‘knock about’ shopping town. Anyway, around 11am I had a fancy for a full English and came across Tatyan’s bistro and dining room. A nice little spot and with a fine selection of tea. From Earl Grey to Green Tea.

Anyway, this made me a little nervous as it had a lot of Chinese symbols and the Chinese are not noted for their Full English breakfasts. They are, however, very good at imitation, so I went in full tilt and ordered.

My verdict? Better than the real thing. It seems the Chinese care better than us at English breakfasts as well as everything else. Two eggs cooked perfectly – no runny white but a lovely runny yolk, two rashers of thick smoky bacon, fried mushrooms, a sausage, a grilled tomato, toast and beans – in my favourite little seperate pot. Proper HP sauce too. An Absolute delight. Coffee and an orange juice and all for £9.50 with a friendly waitress.

This is a high 4 out of 5 stars. And I am being mean really because my only gripe is the sausage was a little small. Maybe they should have put two on. But I am really being pedantic because this place is a gem and I can’t wait to be back in Cirencester so I can go again!

Tatyan’s bistro and dining room

27 Castle Street,

Cirencester GL7 1QD

 

I’ve just come back home through Heathrow airport and after being in Asia for two months it pretty much sums up the UK. Unfriendly, inefficient, scruffy and in need of investment.

A 12 hour flight back to the UK has felt like a flight two decades into the past after being in the East. I got off the plane into the 1990s. Heathrow airport smelled stale, looked old and I had to walk about 1km to get to immigration. When I got there along with 3 other planes there were already 2000 people waiting in line to be processed by 10 to 15 miserable immigration officers.

This is what most of our guests first see of the UK and it isn’t exactly inspiring. Fortunately, I was fast tracked which enabled me to listen to one of the rudest conversations I’ve heard since – well, I was last in the UK, to be honest. An ignorant immigration officer talking to a tourist like they were a five year old because they hadn’t written down the name of the hotel they were stopping at. He showed him the address where he was stopping from a text on his iphone. The immigration officer told him that he was lucky because ‘I will let you in this time, but next time make sure it’s written on paper’.

Unbelieveable. Welcome to England. Heathrow doesn’t even have any trains that go to other cities – the train goes to Paddington. I needed to get to Birmingham and had to go on a coach. A coach for £45! It is beyond a joke. We need to build that airport in the Thames and we need to do it now.

And today we have the news that the UK has been overtaken by Brazil and we’re now the 7th largest economy in the World. It seems that we are on our way down as a global player and we just don’t seem to have the gumption to do anything about it.

Here we go again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Unless we stand up to these gangsters they will keep doing this to the people of London. In fact gangsters makes them sound glamourous, they are just plain thieves. These guys are now less popular than traffic wardens.

A strike has been called on Boxing day because they want even more money. Let me just remind you of the current pay package of a person employed to keep his or her hand on a dead man’s handle – except on the Jubilee line where they just open the doors!

Tube drivers earn £45,545 basic salary and by 2015 they will earn £52,000 per year. They get 43 days holiday and work 35 hours per week.

The latest demand is for triple pay (£366) and a lieu day otherwise they will strike on another 3 days. 92% of those balloted vote for industrial action. Just when all the retailers need shoppers, the tube drivers refuse to transport them. I expect Amazon will be happy.

By the look of the headlines this morning you would think Britain had been thrown out of the EU. But it’s probably just another spat. Which is a shame because I think we really could do with dropping out of the Union and becoming a member of the European Economic Area (EEA) and keeping out of the politics of Europe like Switzerland and Norway do. They don’t seem to be doing too badly, do they?

I can’t speak for everyone (unlike the unelected MEPs) but while I like Europe and the Europeans in general, I don’t consider myself European and I don’t want to be governed by them. That said, I don’t  really want to be governed by some of the muppets we have in Parliament much but at least they are elected and we have some influence as the electorate to decide whether they continue to govern us.

To me European politics are corrupt, wasteful and grandiose. I expect that people will bang on about Europe being our biggest trade partner and I’m sure they’re right. But noone has ever said that we’ll stop selling to them if we’re not in the EU and they’ll stop buying from us because of it. Let European finances go to Frankurt instead of London – Europe is now only the 3rd most important ecconomic block after the USA and Asia.

We should focus our attention and efforts on the rising fortunes of the East. Europe is going nowhere, fast. Their social experiments of paying for the lazy not to go to work can only fail while they don’t earn enough money – that’s why we’re all in debt. They are going down at the helm, so the last thing we need to do is strap ourselves to that boat. Europe is staring into the face of a Japanese style ‘lost decade’. Let’s get out while the going is good, get our own house in order and start doing serious business with the Asians.

Because, once again we find ourselves in a lucky and unique position. We’re the only country in Europe and probably the Western world with such long historical ties and rich relationships with almost every country in Asia. And even if the Asians don’t like us that much at least they don’t hate us – like the Europeans do!

I watched Drive with Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan last night. It ‘s a very good, old fashioned action film. Ryan Gosling, fast becoming the coolest lead in Hollywood, plays a   ‘man with no name’,  Clint Eastwood type character. Carey Mulligan – who is in Wall Street 2 -Money never sleeps, plays the vulnerable love interest. They’re all very good – especially Ron Pearlman, who is very ugly.

It’s very gripping, very violent with very good driving sequences. It’s got a really cool soundtrack and it’s definitely worth a rent. I’d give it 4 out of 5 stars.

 

This is a worrying article. Basically, in order to ensure the survival of the Euro, the countries who use it are effectively going to have to give up their Sovereignty to Brussels.

Each country’s taxes – income tax, corporate tax, sales tax and public spending – benefits, infrastructure, health, defence, pensions, education etc will be decided centrally or at least Brussels will have final approval.

But these people in Brussels – the one’s that decide, the MEPs, are not democratically elected. So, the people of Europe will have no say in who governs them. How on earth has it come to this? Wasn’t this why everyone went to war in 1939? So, that an unelected elite would not decide the fate of millions of Europeans?

Someone, somewhere needs to pull the plug on this single currency experiment. My hope is that the French do what they do best and stick two fingers up to the man because this is all kinds of wrong. The European Union needs to get back to a simple free trade agreement between the member nations.

I think it’s time to let the Euro go. Because the cost of keeping it is simply too high, isn’t it?

It’s not easy to find a full English breakfast in Sydney these days. The Sydneysiders are far too healthy for this old fashioned gut buster from the days of Empire. I guess you don’t need 1200 calories first thing to keep you warm here. Everyone is drinking skinny lattes or freshly squeezed juice for silly money. I even walked past a guy doing press-ups at the traffic lights this morning!

Anyway, I did find a little place called Coffee Mount on Mount Street in North Sydney. It looked nice and clean, so I popped in. They call it the big breakfast and I would say it was a high 3 out of 5 stars.

OK, so the staff were very friendly and the coffee was lovely. The bacon was nice and there was plenty of it. The scrambled eggs were quite good, maybe not cooked enough for me but I think anyone else would have really liked them. The tomatoes – not really cooked at all but warm which made them a little odd. The mushrooms were a nice touch but they didn’t really taste of anything. Toast – plump but too white – like my legs! The beans were nice and in their own container which I love and it came on a square plate which was fancy.

All in all I would say – yes, I would go again. And the price was $7.90 about £5 including the coffee – which in Sydney makes it turbo cheap!

We’re sorry to say that Debbie is leaving. She has been with Serviceteam right from the start and she’s like a piece of the furniture! But she’s decided it’s time to do something else and so although we’re sorry to see her go, we wish her good luck in the future and thank her for all her hard work.

Goodbye Debbie!

According to a Mercer report, the second best city to live in on planet earth is Zurich. I wonder if any of them have ever been?

It goes to show you can ‘prove’ anything if you ask the right questions. I don’t know, Zurich may very well be the most politically stable city in the World and if you’re from Baghdad (231) it may be your number one criteria for a move abroad but that doesn’t make it the best city in the World, does it?

I was in Zurich just last year. It is without doubt one of the most boring places I have ever been. As sterile as a bottle of Domestos.  Take a trip to your local branch of Barclay’s Bank and spend the day there. This is the exact same experience you will have on a trip to Zurich. Except you’ll save a £100 on lunch. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

Anyway, do we need a survey to tell us that Baghdad is not a good place to live? You don’t need to be Judith Chalmers to work that out.

I watched ‘All good things’ with Ryan Gosling and Kirsten Dunst last night and I thought it was pretty good. In fact I would give it 7.5 out of 10. Frank Langella was in it. I guess he was pretty good because I didn’t like him (which is what you’re supposed to think – he’s the nasty dad) but for me he always seems to play the same character. I’m not sure whether I dislike Frank Langella or the characters he plays and whether that makes him a good actor or a bad one, but I digress.

Anyway, I especially like it because it’s not your usual Hollywood fair, which means that it doesn’t have a vampire or a super hero in it, whuck is a result. It ticks along nicely and then starts to veer off into the slightly weird.

In fact, it would probably be too weird if they didn’t let you know at the start that it’s ‘inspired’ by real events. Now, that can mean pretty much anything but a quick look-up on Wikipedia reveals that it fairly closely matches the story of Robert Durst. It’s only the conclusions it draws from the events that can’t or on this case haven’t been proved either way. And for this reason I think it’s a very interesting film and you should go and rent it. And read up on Robert Durst….

If you read this blog often – probably not – anyway, you’ll know I’ve been in Hong Kong and Singapore. And today I decided to check my phone bill – I got a rather nasty surprise. But I was shocked at just how nasty. Because I haven’t really used it. I have been terrified of using Google maps or searching for anything on the internet because of the charges and thus my phone has been like something from the 90s – completely useless. I even have a paper map in my pocket. It really shouldn’t be like this in the 21st century but then we have a cartel running the mobile communications industry and so we’ll never get a fair priced service.

So, knowing full well I would get nothing out of it but keen to see what I had been doing with my phone to justify this massive cost, I went onto o2′s customer services and had a chat with a nice guy called Liam.

Here is my conversation. I hope it saves you some money!

Welcome to O2. Someone will be with you soon.

You’re through to Liam.

Liam: Hi I’m Liam. How can I help?

Me: Hello, I would like to know my usage over the last 10 days or so. I’ve been abroad, but I have hardly used my phone. But I’ve been charged £210. Where can I find this information?

Liam: I’ll help you with this.

Liam: Can you tell me the current calltime balance and what you get free when you Top-Up?

Me: Yes, this is my package: Unlimited anytime texts to UK mobiles, 300 anytime minutes to UK mobiles and landlines, 500MB web in the UK, unlimited Wi-Fi & 20 picture messages for £21.50 a month

Me: And I think I have £30

Liam: Thanks for the information.

Me: Yes, no problem. So, can you help?

Liam: I’ve checked the records from 10th Nov 2011 and see that you’ve been charged £19.60 for sending text while roaming, £3.98 for calling non europe numbers, £52 roaming calls and £115.15 for data usage. The total cost is £190.5.

Me: I see. £19.60 for a text?

Liam: Yes, that’s right.

Me: Is that possible. £19.60 for one text?

Liam: You have sent 40 text.

Liam: I mean to say text messages.

Me: I see. So, I’m assuming that my tarriff is not helping me with anything while I’m abroad. The data is confusing though. How much data am I using? Because I haven’t even touched Google maps or the internet and I have data roaming turned off.

Liam: I can see that you’ve used 19MB while roaming abroad.

Liam: We charged £6 per MB on roaming.

Me: That is a scandal. 19MB isn’t even a google map download. Ok, it’s not your fault but I’m assuming you don’t have any international tarriffs?

Liam: What you can do is whenever you’re planning to visit any European countries, you can add My Europe Extra Bolt On which gives discounts on calls and texts.

Me: Yes, I’m in Asia though.

Liam: I’m sorry, then you’ll be charged according to the international rates.

Me: OK, I see. Well, I need another provider in that case. How do I cancel my account ASAP so I don’t get any more charges. I’m not even using the phone!

Liam: Click here to check the international rates

Liam: You can call our customer service and request for the PAC code.

Liam: To get your PAC code you’ll just need to call 4445 (25p per call) from your mobile or 0844 809 0222 from a land line and pick option 3 then option 2. We are open 8am to 8pm Monday to Saturday and 10am to 6pm Sunday.

Me: 25p in the UK I assume and how much from Asia?

Liam: You’ll be charged 25p for call customer service number (4445) and landline number according to the international charges.

Me: I see. OK, I don’t care about my number. I’ll get a new one with Vodafone. How can I get a refund for the balance I have in my account and how can I close the account so I don’t get any more charges?

Liam: I’m sorry to say that we won’t be able to refund your amount to your bank account. However, you can transfer your balance to another O2 Pay & Go number.

Me: Surely, if I don’t use the service I’m entitled to a refund? Can you send me a cheque?

Liam: I’m sorry we don’t send cheque as well.

Liam: I haven’t heard from you for a while. Are you still there?

Me: I see. I know this isn’t your fault personally, but does this seem right to you? O2 have charged me £190 for what amounts to about half a picture, 40 texts and a 5 minute phone call and I can’t get my £30 over payment back?

Liam: I’m sorry for this. However, we don’t refund the amount to bank accounts or send cheques.

Liam: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Liam: I haven’t heard from you for a while. Are you still there?

Me: OK. It’s not your fault but this is an absolute liberty. I shall put it down to experience and use the conversation to post on my blog. Good night Liam and if you get the opportunity, move to an honest company. Get away from these crooks!

Liam: I’m sorry for any trouble.

Liam: Thanks for chatting with us and have a wonderful day.

Me: Thanks. Goodnight.

So my advice? Leave your phone at home because I could have bought a new one with these costs. And if you do need a mobile service provider from the UK don’t use o2. They are not a global company and don’t have any agreements with anyone. I know more people in Asia than they do!

Arrived in Singapore and what a great place. It has changed enormously in the five years since I was last here. The skyline is even better. And the craziest building here – maybe even the World is the Marina Bay Sands Resort. As you can see it has three towers topped with an outlandish sky terrace. It is truly a bizarre looking building and I’m not sure whether I like it yet. But it’s certainly striking and I’ve never seen anything like it before.

A few facts for the curious…

It has 2,561 hotel rooms
It has a 1,300,000-square-foot convention-exhibition centre
800,000-square-foot mall
An ArtScience museum
2 large theatres
7 “celebrity chef” restaurants
2 floating Crystal Pavilions
An ice skating rink
The world’s largest atrium casino with 500 tables and 1,600 slot machines
The Sky terrace is 340 Metres long with a 150m infinity swimming pool
The platform overhangs the north tower by 67M
It is around 650 feet tall

And it cost £4 Billion to build!
By all accounts, the people who built it said that it was the most difficult building project they had ever undertaken. And they should know – they built the Sydney Opera House…

I’ve been using this system in Hong Kong over the last few days. It’s called the MTR and it stands for Mass Transit Railway. There is simply no comparison between this railway and the tube. It is fantastic. The trains are twice as wide and twice as long. They have air conditioning in all the carriages. The stations have lifts and disabled access. All the platforms have glass partitions like the Jubilee line. You can use your phone and you even get free Wi-Fi!

90% of all traveling in Hong Kong is done by thre MTR. It carries 7 million around Hong Kong every day – the tube takes 4.5 Million.

To use it you can buy a ticket or use an Octopus card. The Octopus card is a bit like a Oyster card except of course – it’s better, because you can use it to make purchases in shops and restaurants – something that was promised with the Oyster card – which is much newer than the Octopus card.

Finally, the amazing thing is the price. The most I’ve paid is HK$5. That’s about 40 pence. Yes, 40 pence! The most expensive ticket on the MTR is from the airport to Hong Kong Central and that’s HK$100 – cheaper if you have an Octopus card. That is £8 for 34KM.

The Heathrow Express is £18 for 19KM. So that’s 23 pence per KM in Hong Kong and over a £1 per KM in London. More than four times the price and a national disgrace.

It seems to me that it’s quite obvious why China is taking the West down to China Town, as it were. They have a ‘can do’ attitude and we have a ‘can’t do’ one. They invest in their infrastructure and make everything nice and we have some guys come in privatize everything, fleece everyone, not invest in anything while telling us about the massive investments they’re making while getting a big handout from the government. The results are plain to see on the tube and at the airport.

London is still the most visited city in the world, but how long our visitors will put up with this nonsense, I don’t know. Unless the Chinese keep coming over to laugh at our transport system. And laugh they might.

And before anyone bangs on about how old the tube system is – well it’s about time they updated it then isn’t it? My next blog will be about Hong Kong airport versus Heathrow – that’s another no contest.

Well from the fourth highest skyscraper in the world anyway. And for those of you that are not in the know, that’s the International Commerce Centre in Hong Kong, which is where I was today. It’s actually in Kowloon which is across the harbour from Hong Kong island.

Here are some stats for the interested:

It has 108 floors
It stands 484 m (1,588 ft) high
It was completed in 2010
The World’s fourth tallest building by height,
The World’s second tallest building by floors
It’s the tallest building in Hong Kong.

The lift took just 60 seconds to get to the 100th floor. The view, I think would be most spectacular at night and it was quite cloudy today. Even though, it was a pretty impressive sight outside the windows.

But the strangest thing about it is the observation floor itself. It’s on floor 100 and it’s called Sky100. and there is hardly anything in the whole space – which makes it feel even more surreal. So that’s what the picture is.

If you want to see what it looks like out of the window, you’ll have to go yourself – or type ‘view from Sky100′ into Google.

I must be hitting a lucky run. That’s two great breakfasts I’ve had in a week! The latest one is at Common Room on Balham Hill. Terrible name for a nice cafe because there are hundreds of ‘Common Rooms’. Hopefully this gets the reputation it deserves for good food.

So, to the breakfast. Three pieces of very good quality bacon, a nice egg, Heinz beans, a lovely sausage which was very well cooked, an OK hash brown and 2 rounds of toast. Very good toast actually. Coffee was extra, but it all came to £7. Not bad – this is London after all. Two things always worth mentioning – condiments – HP and Heinz ketchup. Beautiful work. Go together like Laurel and Hardy as far as I’m concerned.

One strange thing was the watercress. Not something I’m used to seeing on a breakfast plate. It must be because I was in Clapham!

The waitress was fast and pleasant, if not beaming and the cafe looked fresh, functional and clean but nothing spectacular.

Still it was a great effort and I’m going to give it four stars. It’s a great place to go for a full English breakfast – the best for a good half mile radius and they cook it all day!

Common Room Cafe, 37 Balham Hill, Balham, London, SW12 9DX

This made me laugh. I could do with a good laugh today. I shall look for some more.

HSBC call to tell me my card was on list… of numbers that have been compromised. The first time I heard this tale was in around March this year.  I thought ‘oh well – it happens’. I asked them how it happened but they said ‘they didn’t know’. That they get given a list of numbers that may or may not be stolen and they cancel the cards. My card came 10 days later.

The second time I got a call from HSBC customer services in Bangalore in around June I think telling me that ‘my card number was on a list that has may have been blah, blah, blah’ ‘We don’t know Mr Macrie – blah, blah, blah’, well I wasn’t so happy. This time they forgot to send me a new card and I was without one for over 20 days. Even more annoying, this was the same time as the ticket lottery for the Olympics was going on and they cancelled any tickets I had been allocated. Thanks HSBC. ‘We’re very sorry, Mr Macrie’. Yes,  I bet you are.

Last month I had a call from HSBC. As soon as I heard the Indian accent asking me whether I could confirm a transaction for £6.12 at Pret A Manger, I knew I would be borrowing money from someone in the office before the close of play. Because if I had stolen a debit card the first thing I would do is whip down to Pret for a Crayfish sandwich. 10 days for a new card.

And now tonight a call from HSBC to let me know the news that – yes, my card was on a list… Is this just me? Has anyone at HSBC thought that maybe the Indians being paid 4 pence a year in Bangalore have quite rightly had enough and are just downloading these numbers onto excel sheets and flogging them to Russian gangsters?

Seems to me that they have some serious security problems at HSBC. This hasn’t happened to anyone I know at another bank. They are also pretty rubbish and getting new cards out –  probably because they use the Royal Mail, so I guess I am going to have to go back to a cash scenario. I will have been without a card for 40 days this year.

This is an example of an organisation that is too big to do anything effectively. I’d ring to complain but I can’t work out which of the 400 numbers to call to get through to the right automated system that will tell me that they are experiencing unusually high call volumes today so I’ll be in a queue for 40 minutes. And if I did get to speak to someone they wouldn’t care and I wouldn’t get do much as £5 M&S voucher – and I’m an HSBC Premier customer, divan ya nah.

I will be moving from the HSBC – to where – I do not know. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

I was out in Leamington Spa on Saturday. Probably the best town in the Midlands. Anyway, someone recommended this place called Dockers for breakfast. So, in the quest to find the greatest English breakfast I went along and took a friend.

Dockers is styled on a 1950′s American Diner and it’s part of a beautiful Art Deco building. Inside, it looks fantastic. It’s really well furnished and it feels like you’ve taken time warp back to the 50′s. I loved it.

The breakfast itself was fantastic. The bacon was very good quality, as was the sausage. The beans, again very good – the toast was well toasted ad the egg cooked just how I like it, but maybe not runny enough for some. The black pudding was delicious. It had a crazy little hash brown thing, grilled tomatoes and mushrooms – it’s a big. breakfast. The service was fast and very friendly and the two breakfasts with orange juice came to £16. That might sound expensive I guess, outside London – but it’s cheaper than The Little Thief’s Olympic breakfast.

Maybe the tomato ketchup wasn’t Heinz or the brown sauce HP, but the decor is so good and the service so efficient and friendly that I have to give it five stars because it was pretty much a perfect breakfast. And I thought it was all about London!

It’s Tom’s 29th birthday today. The office has had a whip round and got him a new Aston Villa top. As ALex has pointed out he would probably be Villa’s best player. Anyway further pictures and a video no less of the celebration on Serviceteam Flickr, for those of you unable to attend his birthday drinks this evening around the East End I beleive….

A good effort from Tom – his pumpkin is on the left. But a close win because Rob’s pumpkin was pretty good and it was done without using a template – so freestyling but their both good.

And so the £20 cash prize is awarded to Tom. More photos on Serviceteam Flickr

It’s all about Movember and our very own Richard Vaughan has stepped up to the mark to do his bit for charity on behalf of Serviceteam. You’ll be hard pressed to find a more ridiculous moustache – sorry Richard!

But it’s all in a good cause – through the Movember Foundation, The Prostate Cancer Charity and The Institute of Cancer Research, Movember is funding world class awareness, research, educational and support programmes which would otherwise not be possible.

So, go ahead and donate today - even a £ will do and for more pictures of Richard go to the Serviceteam Flickr account.

I’ve seen some bad presentations in my time – I’ve even given a few! But I can’t remember ever attending a presentation as bad as the Nokia Lumia 800 presentation and hands on.

Kevin Shields is no Steve Jobs and when he shouts ‘awesome!’ every fibre in my body cringed. He shouts it like Gerard Butler shouts it in 300 – ‘This is Sparta!’ What a clown.

The sad thing is that it looks like a decent phone. The satnav looks good and it’s free. I’d ditch those TomTom shares.

And maybe Microsoft have redeemed themselves with the operating system, who knows? But I bet it still crashes more often than a drunk driver on meths….

We have a new competition this week and as it’s Halloween, it will come as no surprise that the competition is for the best pumpkin. Carved pumpkins with a tea light is what I’m expecting to get, but if anyone comes up with something similar to the intricately carved masterpiece in the picture I expect that should secure a win.

I’m not expecting anyone to bring their pumpkin into the office and I expect that if you try and carve it in the kitchen, you’ll have to answer to Mr Morose aka Simon. So, if you have a friend, get him or her to take a picture of you holding or in the near vicinity of your pumpkin.

FYI. The best pumpkins I’ve seen are at Borough Market. They’ve got ‘Super Pumpkins’ there but you’ll pay by the kilo. The next best thing is Sainsbury’s – they have giant pumpkins for just £3! So, there are no excuses for non entry. Unless you’re too young to work with a knife unsupervised or too old to hold it steadily, I want to see a picture of your pumpkin on Monday!

To make it interesting the winner will get £20 in cash! And a Groupon voucher of my choice that I can’t shift. I am the judge and the paymaster, thus my decision is final. My money is on Neeha – she lives in Southall and she’s handy with a knife….

Well it’s been a bloody affair and as predicted we have had some casualties…. Mostly food poisoning, and mainly due to Luke’s participation, however I would like to thank all of you who DID participate in our inaugural Cup-cake challenge.

And now its decision time………
The rules were fairly simple, get involved and get a mention on the blog and possibly even a prize or come up with a ropey excuse and get a mention on the blog and a certain slating.

So let’s hear the excuses,

Edina – “I was too busy, I couldn’t find time!!!”
Neeha -“Lol err Hello u knw the utd derby is on right and were f**ing loosing cupcakes are the last thing on my mind”
Harrison –“what fairy cake? isn’t that homophobic?
Alex “I’m not even washing at the moment let alone cooking”
Stephanie “where was I going to get a fairy from on Sunday, don’t they all live in Ireland?”
Richard “Little known fact….”

And now for the participants

Debbie and her Ghoulish creations
Luke and his ghoulish creations (for different reasons)
Tom and his Lemon cream extravaganza
And last but by no means least Louise and her Lemon cup-cake delights (flavoured with lemon)

The team were advised to use whatever criteria they wanted for judging them, presentation, originality, taste in some cases, spite in others (thats spite with an e at the end although I dare say there was some of the other) JUST MAKE A DECISION.

So in great Serviceteam tradition we decided not to have an impartial 3rd party adjudicator and instead held a secret ballot…..

The Results
Well with over 50% of the vote a resounding win for Louise!!!!

And the reward for such a fantastic achievement? I hear you ask, is a meal for two (to the value of £50) at the following luxury restaurant.

http://www.digbychick.co.uk/

Enjoy it Louise you deserve it

We’ve had a quite a few entries for the cupcake competition which will be voted for today. Lou and Tom brought theirs in yesterday and for my money they were both excellent and a tie for first place so far. Although looking at the state of the next two entries I think it will probably stay that way… maybe that’s unfair because Debbie bought hers so at least they’re round.

The same can not be said for Luke’s. It gives new slant to the phrase ‘face like a dropped cake’…. Click here to see all the cakes entries.